


Death By Humanity

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Agoraphobia, Eating Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, cotards disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 08:39:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17200223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Josh had never believed in soulmates, but sixty hours later, he was beginning to think that Tyler was his.





	Death By Humanity

**Author's Note:**

> My last fic of 2018. Thanks for such a great year, guys. I honestly didn't think I would come back to ao3 and write, but there were a lot of people who showed me that I was still capable of writing and would support me no matter what. It means so much. <3

Thursday is the day Josh holds a funeral for himself.

He wipes the blood and snot from his leaking nose and drops them in the toilet bowl of his tight bathroom, flushing the toilet between each drop to watch the disintegrating tissue disappear down the drain. His service dog, Jim, sits at the threshold, his head resting comfortably on his paws. Jim knows he isn’t allowed to come into the bathroom, not unless it’s an emergency. Josh doesn’t think he needs a stupid dog to take care of him, either.

His nose has been bleeding all day; only a mere side effect of death. Josh understands. It’s the circle of life. No need to be afraid of death when it was inevitable.

A knock on his door draws his fixation away from his toilet. He pauses, willing the strangers on the other side to leave, but after a few seconds of silence, the knock becomes louder and more panicked.

“Joshua! Open this door right now!”

With a sigh, Josh wipes his nose one more time and stands up, causing Jim to perk up and be on high alert. He gives his pup a gentle pat on the head on his slow drag to the front door. His mother’s face is pressed in worry on the other side, her arms cluttered in grocery bags.

“I brought you food.” Before Josh can reply, she’s already pushing past her son into his tiny kitchen, dumping the grocery bags onto the counters littered in coffee stains. That was about all Josh could get to stay down these days and why bother to clean his house if he was already dead?

He seemed to be the only person who realized that he was confined to the walls of his apartment, bound by invisible chains. Forced to walk the Earth as a spirit because of how he lived his life while alive.

“This should be easy enough for you,” She pulls out a box of crackers and a package of string cheese out of one bag, “I got stuff you can heat in the microwave or otherwise eat straight from the fridge or pantry. Easy stuff.”

It was a nice thought, but Josh’s mother didn’t seem to understand that Josh could _not_ eat. Maybe it was because he was dead-- his rotting corpse could no longer digest food. Not that he could even keep it down, anyways. Every time he swallowed, he’d find himself hunched over the toilet vomiting.

“Mom,” he croaks, reaching a pale hand out to stop her, “you know I can’t.”

“I know you think you can’t.” With a heavy sigh, Laura turns toward her son. “Josh, I really think you should consider speaking with Dr. Geller again. I think you could benefit.”

He scoffs, dismissing her plea. “I can’t leave my apartment.”

His parents called it agoraphobia. Josh agreed, humoring them, even though he knew the real reason he wasn’t able to step over the threshold. If the outside world were to see the mess he’d become, they’d be so sickened they’d either a) run away screaming or b) throw up.

“I’ve been speaking to him and he’s agreed to make special arrangements. He offered to come to your apartment and have your sessions here. You’re getting worse, baby.”

Josh prods at his ribs protruding from his skin and ducks his head. He hasn’t gotten a haircut in quite some time, so it curls around the nape of his neck and falls into his eyes. It’s sad when he thinks about it. Josh used to _be_ someone.

And now he was dead.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it. _Fucking Ferris Bueller. He never had these problems._

“If you’d just _listen_ to me, we could solve this.” Josh pushes his greasy hair out of his eyes and grunts uncomfortably. He knew his parents thought he was crazy.

“I am trying to solve this. We’ve tried your solutions and it has gotten us nowhere. For Christ’s sake, your father and I are the ones paying your rent now! You’re twenty-six years old, Josh! You should have a job! Be out with friends! Going on dates and getting married and having kids.” She chokes, forcing herself to stop speaking by resting a fluttering palm over her heart. Josh feels a stab of pain in his chest as tears brim her eyelids. “I love you so much and all I want for you is to be happy. I know things won’t be like this forever, but it’s so damn _hard_ sometimes.”

He hasn’t been dead for very long, only for about a month, but Josh had problems even before that. It all started when he was offered a position as a drummer. His mental health had never been great, but the addition of a rockstar lifestyle didn’t help.

Then, one day, he overdosed. Got administered Narcan. Stayed in the hospital for many, many long days. And cried.

He didn’t want his parents to know. So he never told them.

They only found out it wasn’t his first experience with drugs when he tried to kill himself by downing his anxiety medication. He stopped breathing, had to be taken to the ICU and put on a stupid breathing machine.

That put him in a mental hospital.

And now Josh was here. Dead, stuck in his apartment, with a mother who could never understand how he was feeling.

“All I want is for you to believe me,” Josh whispers. He can’t bring himself to look his mother in the eyes.

“Honey, I do believe you. Just not in the way you’d like.” She forces a sad smile. “I believe you think you’re dead. But you know how I know you’re wrong?”

Josh stays silent, watching as his mother reaches for his shoulders and curls his fragile body into her chest. He feels tears welling up of his own.

“I can feel you right here, right now, in my arms. I can hear your heart beating, feel the warmth of your skin, the soft _psh_ of your breath. You are _alive,_ Joshua. You aren’t a corpse, you aren’t a ghost-- you are a human being.”

He wants to say, “explain the smell then.” He wants to say, “then why can’t I leave my apartment?” He even wants to say “then why am I falling apart?”

But Josh doesn’t. Because he can’t bring himself to hurt his mother even more than he already has.

“Promise me you’ll speak with Dr. Geller if I send him here.”

“Okay,” Josh whispers, nodding his head. His mother presses a kiss to his hair.

 

* * *

 

A long time ago, Josh’s mother got him a sewing kit so he could learn how to fix the tears and holes that appeared in his clothing while on the road. He finds it at the back of his closet one evening while he’s pulling his clothes off the hangers. With nothing else for him to do, Josh is deciding to pack his clothes away, but now that he’s found a piece of his old self, Josh finds himself focusing more on that instead. At his whistle, Jim paws into the room and jumps on Josh’s bed. The trainer had specifically told Josh not to let the dog on any beds or sofas, but Josh completely disregarded that, seeing it more as a suggestion than a command. Jim was his only friend now.

He curls up at the top of the bed next to his pup and begins to pull out the contents from the small, Tupperware container. Jim watches curiously, his head between his paws as Josh begins to prod his wrist with the three, sharp needles from inside the kit. Carefully, he slips them underneath his first layer of skin, gentle enough for them to stay but easy for him to tear them out if necessary. Josh then unravels some thread and uses a tiny pair of scissors to snip it.

He’s afraid of his body rotting to the point where he’s losing his limbs. The smell already burns his nostrils and he’s scared that if even tries to shower, his skin will slip down the drain. That’s why he’s decided to sew his wrists up, eliminating any possibility of his hands separating from his body.

Threading the needle is the easy part. Afterward, Josh hisses each time the needle pokes through his skin. He’s not sure how deep he needs to go but hopes the bare minimum will be enough for today. Josh could always go back and fix it later if he needs to.

In the end, studying his work, Josh doesn’t feel satisfied. He tugs at the string and watches it unravel.

Jim whimpers next to him, wanting his owner’s attention. With a sigh, Josh kisses the top of his dog’s head and holds him tight, feeling tears starting to fall down his cheeks.

All he wants is to be alive again.

 

* * *

 

The next time there’s a knock at the door, it isn’t his mother, but his old therapist, Dr. Geller. Josh hadn’t seen him since his suicide attempt.

Dr. Geller, still charming and handsome as ever, smiles politely. “Hello, Josh. It’s good to see you again.”

“Hey,” Josh murmurs, widening the door to gesture with his arm. His therapist steps through and observes Josh’s sad excuse for an apartment. Ever since his death, Josh had been set on getting rid of his “earthly possessions,” so all that was left in his living room was a single sofa and a TV that sat on the ground.

Jim pads around the corner curiously, sniffing out the new company. He leans back on his hind legs and barks once until Josh lets him know everything is okay. Josh then sits down on the ground, letting his dog climb into his lap as Dr. Geller sits down on the sagging sofa and removes his things from his bag. Out come a notepad and one of those fancy felt tip pens that cost an arm and a leg.

“Normally this wouldn’t be allowed, considering you’re an adult and it was your mother who contacted me, but she said she got your consent, and she’s been very worried about you.”

Josh doesn’t say anything and continues to stroke Jim’s fur. Poor pup needs a haircut.

Dr. Geller clears his throat. “She says you haven’t left your apartment in over a month.”

“I can’t leave my apartment.”

He presses his lips into a frown. “Why not?”

Josh’s eyes flicker to the ground. “Not a lot of people know this, but I... died a month ago. And because of that, I can’t leave.”

“So... you’re a ghost?” Dr. Geller is humoring him. Josh doesn’t really know if that’s good or bad.

“That’s kind of the problem. I don’t exactly know how all this stuff works. I can... I can smell myself rotting.”

“How do you know you died?”

Josh chuckles wryly. “It’s almost happened twice before. I knew I was going to do it a third. And this time, it worked. I saw the empty bottle of pills by my bedside. I felt my soul leave my body and I... I could feel it.”

“If you think you’re a ghost, where would your body be? That’s how that works, yes?”

A shrug. “We don’t truly know that, do we? My body... is still my body. I don’t know. But I try to leave the apartment and there’s a strong pull stopping me from stepping out the door. Some strong, invisible force keeping me trapped in here for all the sin I’ve committed.”

Dr. Geller’s frown deepens. “Josh, we’ve all made mistakes. That doesn’t mean you deserve to be trapped here forever.”

“Yeah, well,” Josh clasps his hands together loudly, “third time’s a charm, I guess.”

“Have you considered that the smell could be from you?”

“I already know it’s from me.”

“I meant... hygiene wise.” Dr. Geller suddenly seems much older than he already is. Josh swears he can see a few grey hairs as well. Was that because of him? Was Josh ruining this man’s life?

“It can’t be that. I keep myself clean with a washcloth.”

“You haven’t bathed?”

Josh pauses. “What if my skin falls off? I can’t do that. Who would take care of Jim? You know how scared he would be.” He scratches Jim behind the ears to prove his point, prompting Dr. Geller to sigh.

“You were so upset when we recommended you get a service dog. I see you’ve changed your mind.”

His nails move to scratch under Jim’s chin. Sure, he was pissed his parents didn’t trust him to be alone on his own, but Jim was _his_ dog. Nobody would ever lay a hand on his baby.

“I didn’t need a service dog.”

“Josh, your mental health is deteriorating at a rapid pace. You’re developing agoraphobia and it’s inhibiting you from living your life. A young man like you should be worrying about what to eat for lunch at work, not if your skin is going to slide down the drain. It’s obvious your parents are worried about you. You’re unable to take care of yourself, and they can’t watch over you every day, so they got you someone who could.” He gestures to the peppy golden retriever in Josh’s lap with his chin. “I think you should highly consider checking yourself into a mental hospital.”

Josh scoffs angrily. Sure, he struggled with depression and severe anxiety, and the occasional suicidal thought, but he was completely sane. He _knew_ what had happened. Josh had overdosed, died, and was stuck in his house. It was the reason his mom stopped by to drop off food he couldn’t eat. It was the reason he couldn’t get any sleep.

It was the reason Jim barked at anyone who came inside.

“I don’t need to check myself into a mental hospital.”

“When’s the last time you slept or ate?”

“Yesterday,” he lies. Dr. Geller shakes his head sadly.

“Josh, please. Everyone is very worried about you. All we want is for you to be yourself again. What happened to the Josh that used to see me? The happy, go lucky drummer who dyed his hair wacky colors and would make mixtapes for all his friends on an _actual_ cassette recorder?”

Oh, that’s right. Josh had no idea where his cassette recorder even was anymore. It was probably something he got rid of.

“Just because I was happy and go lucky doesn’t mean I wasn’t dealing with shit.”

“That’s not what I’m saying--”

“No.” Josh shoves Jim out of his lap and stands up, his legs shaking. He can feel his stomach begging for food but has no want to meet its needs. “This isn’t some problem a good hour of talking will fix. So you can go ahead and leave. I appreciate you coming out here to my place and extending help, but I’m fine.”

“You aren’t.” His eyes are sad.

“You don’t even fucking know me anymore.” Josh points at the door and clicks his tongue, causing Jim to growl. With a sad sigh, Dr. Geller packs up his things and reaches for his coat.

“I urge you to think about this, Joshua. I do care about you. So does your family. You don’t need to admit you need help, just need to agree to others helping _you.”_

Josh ignores the frog in his throat and jabs his finger at the door again. Ten seconds later, Dr. Geller is gone, leaving Josh in his lonely apartment to cry.

But Josh doesn’t cry. Because he’s known about this for five weeks now and knows nothing isn’t going to change.

And so he sits in his room and sews up his wrists.

 

* * *

 

The next time there is a knock at Josh’s door is three days after Dr. Geller’s visit. Josh made it abundantly clear he wouldn’t be seeing his therapist any longer and his mother couldn’t do anything but cry. He knew the grieving process was difficult, but she was still in the first stage. When would her in denial end?

The knock is gentle but loud enough for Jim to start barking. Josh clicks his tongue at him, frowning, hoping whoever is out there will go away. He knows it isn’t his mother, because she would be pounding and demanding Josh “let her in.” It definitely isn’t Dr. Geller, unless he really is stupid and Josh overestimated him.

The gentle pound comes again, followed by more barking. With a sigh, Josh pulls himself off his bedroom floor and drags down the hallway. Outside the front door, he takes a deep breath before opening it.

The stranger on the other side looks familiar, but he’s still a stranger. Even with his lanky body and innocent eyes.

Jim pokes his head out from the small sliver Josh has revealing his apartment so he can get a good whiff of the man standing in front of them. That man seems increasingly more nervous at the mere sight of a dog.

“Uhm,” his voice cracks as he takes a step back, tucking his arms into the front pocket of his hoodie, “you uh, probably don’t remember me. Our families live next door to each other.”

It suddenly clicks why he looks so familiar. This was Tyler Joseph. Josh hadn’t seen him in ten years.

The Josephs weren’t particularly friendly with Josh’s family. They weren’t rude, but all the kids were homeschooled and didn’t interact with any of the other kids in the neighborhood. They went to church on Sundays and often Josh would watch Tyler and his brother shoot hoops in their driveway.

“Why are you here?” Josh shouldn’t be rude, but he is. There’s no point in being nice when he knows this is what the afterlife is. There’s no heaven, no hell; only the four white walls of his rented apartment.

He isn’t wearing a shirt or pants either, sporting only a pair of dirty boxers, and Tyler is trying his best to avert his gaze. “I uhm. Well. It’s kind of a long story. Do you care if I come inside?”

“Yes.” Josh goes to slam the front door, but Jim manages to slip into the hallway before it clicks. He groans as Jim goes to sniff Tyler’s feet.

Tyler, on the other hand, backs against the door parallel to Josh’s and seems to be losing his shit. Josh scoffs.

“Not a fan of dogs, huh?”

“Not, uhm, no. Not really. Kinda scared of them, actually.”

“Jim won’t hurt you.” Josh clicks his tongue and opens the door enough for Jim to pad back through. Call it intuition, but Jim disobeying orders to check out Tyler made Josh feel like something was supposed to happen between them. So, he opens the door even more. “You can come in.”

“Awesome.” Tyler smiles nervously and accepts Josh’s offer, stepping over the threshold to sit down on the sofa. Josh sits back down on the carpet that still has a slight impression from his session with Dr. Geller and lets Jim nudge his thigh with his moist nose. Tyler continues to fiddle uncomfortably with the hem of his mustard hoodie.

“So, uhm. Josh. How have you been?”

Right. The small talk. Always the worst part about catching up with someone. Josh had never been one for talking anyway so that really killed him. “I’ve been fine,” he lies, focusing his attention on stroking his pup. Tyler nods his head.

“That’s good. I’ve been good too. Uhm, I’m taking classes. Not really to get a degree, because I already have my bachelors, but like, just so I have something to do.”

“I didn’t invite you in to hear your entire life story. There’s a lot going on and I’d rather you not be here. So if you don’t have anything important to say, then please get out and leave me alone.”

Tyler takes a few moments to collect himself, obviously taken back from Josh’s outburst. Josh was usually not this open with his rudeness, but the filter that made him a good human was gone. He picks at the string threaded in his skin.

“No, you’re right. I just, I’ve been staying with my parents due to some unforeseen circumstances and I overheard your family talking about you, and I... I don’t know. When they said you were struggling, I just felt like I needed to come over and talk to you. I know it makes no sense since we haven’t talked in ten years, but there was something inside me that was begging to step out and... and talk to you.”

“So... what?” Josh scoffs. “You heard how fucked up I am and decided to come see the sideshow?”

“No!” Tyler raises his voice a little, immediately mumbling an apology as he settled on an inside tone. “I know we were never close as kids, but I always saw you as someone so much cooler and overall better than me. I always wanted to be friends with you. Even now.” He pauses, clears his throat, “Your mom gave me your address and told me it was a long shot, but, uhm, I’m here now, so.” Tyler’s eyes flicker upwards to look at Josh’s annoyed expression. He’s very nervous and being cautious of his phrasing. “I moved back to my parent’s house because I had a trip to the hospital and my parents...”

Tyler doesn’t finish. He doesn’t need to, because Josh knows how that sentence would have ended.

He watches his old childhood neighbor with curious eyes. Josh isn’t sure how he’s supposed to feel that Tyler just showed up claiming he needed to talk to Josh because they both tried to kill themselves. Maybe Tyler expected Josh to be happy that he had someone to talk to.

But Josh isn’t happy. He’s furious. “Out of everyone, why the fuck did you come to me? I haven’t seen you in ten years, haven’t talked to you in longer, and suddenly you’re sitting in my fucking apartment--” He has to take a moment to collect himself too, and his anger must be radiant because Jim moves to hide in the kitchen. Josh hikes his knees to his chest and shoves his head in between them. He needs to breathe. It’s okay. Tyler will be gone soon.

“I didn’t mean--” Tyler shakes his head rapidly, “I didn’t want to upset you, your mom said--”

“Just fucking shut up about my mom, okay? You have other people in your life you could talk to. You didn’t need to pick the dead man.” Tyler doesn’t flinch or even hardly react when Josh says that, so he assumes his mother prepared the neighbor for Josh’s illness.

Jim comes back in that second, a tiny pill bottle in between his teeth. He drops it into Josh’s lap, causing him to laugh bitterly.

“Even my dog is calling me crazy.” He shakes the bottle a little before untwisting the cap to dump a few in his palm. Josh is used to dry swallowing by now. He knows by now the pills don’t work, but he’s just conditioned to take them when Jim brings them over.

“You aren’t crazy,” Tyler says sympathetically, which somehow makes Josh even angrier. He picks himself off the carpet and points at the front door.

“Get out. Now.”

“Josh--”

“Get OUT!” He’s screaming bloody murder at this point, probably freaking out all his neighbors, but Josh doesn’t care. His actions no longer have repercussions.

Tyler nods his head and quietly leaves out the front door. Jim whines sadly and curls on the sofa as Josh disappears into his bedroom, slamming the door as loudly as he can.

Stupid Tyler.

Stupid, stupid, Tyler.

 

* * *

 

He can’t remember the last time he looked in the mirror. Time doesn’t seem real when he isn’t keeping track.

Josh picks at some frozen Eggo waffles and drinks his lukewarm coffee. When he finds a hair tie underneath his sink from an ex-girlfriend, he uses it to tie his hair up into a bun. It had been some time since he had cut his hair.

When he catches his reflection after shutting the door to his medicine cabinet, his breath catches. The bags under his eyes look like bruises and his hair is so greasy it almost seems wet. Plus, his beard, his stupid, scraggly beard, has started growing down his neck. With a scoff, he flicks at his nose ring, fixes his gauges, and turns away.

He’s been walking around naked this entire week. It’s kind of freeing, actually, knowing no one can see him. Nothing matters anymore now that he’s passed away. Josh begins to contemplate whether the idea of heaven is in coexistence with Earth. Maybe they were different universes existing on the same planet, or different realms that could interact in certain spots. That would explain why some people could see him. When he opened his door to watch his neighbors, he never got a second glance.

As he sits down on the sofa, Jim hops up next to him with a pair of dirty underwear in his mouth. Josh chuckles as he pulls the briefs out of Jim’s mouth and tosses them onto the floor.

“I didn’t realize my nudity was bothering you, bud.”

Jim barks. Josh briefly wonders if Jim can understand what he’s saying.

“I bet you wish someone could come and walk you.” He sighs. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not the best owner. I’m lucky enough that my mom can get you food. If not, I’d have to start using postmates and I’m scared they wouldn’t be able to see me. Imagine the door opening by itself.”

Jim rests his head on Josh’s hairy thigh. He begins to scratch his dog behind the ears.

About ten minutes later, there’s a knock at the door. He waits five seconds for his mother to start demanding he open the door before begrudgingly standing up to peep through the peephole. Outside stands Tyler, who hadn’t visited in what felt like a month. Josh guessed it had only been a few days, but time wasn’t real, so who knew?

He decides he’s going to keep his ground this time as he answers, keeping his naked body hidden behind the door. Once again, Jim hops off the couch and weasels his way through the cracked door to give Tyler a healthy heaping of kisses.

“Hey there, boy.” Tyler scratches under his chin and kisses his snout. “Good to see you.”

“Jim doesn’t usually like strangers.” Josh stays stoic. Tyler’s nervous eyes flicker up to meet him.

“I don’t usually like dogs.” Silence. Jim’s tail wags a mile a minute as Tyler continues to pet him. “I just came over to apologize. I feel bad about what happened the other day. I shouldn’t have been so forward about... well, everything.”

“It’s fine. Jim, come on.” Josh whistles, but his service dog doesn’t move. He could almost laugh at the bitter irony of this situation. Of course, the one person Jim had to like was the person Josh couldn’t stand. “Jim, now. You’re supposed to be trained for this kind of shit, aren’t you?”

Tyler pulls his hands back, but Jim continues to lick him. Josh pulls the door open further to grab Jim’s collar, completely forgetting he’s butt naked. Tyler’s face turns red as he averts his eyes to avoid looking at Josh’s junk as Jim is yanked aggressively back inside the apartment. He’s hoping it’ll be enough to get Jim to listen, but once again, Jim trots into the hallway and cowers behind Tyler. He growls when Josh steps forward again to grab him.

“Jesus fuck, you wanna go live with him?”

“Josh--”

“Why are you back here?” Josh feels like boiling magma underneath the earth’s crust. He has no dignity, no pride, no will to try for anything. His entire life is over and he doesn’t want Tyler to get in the way of his wallowing. All he wants is for his fucking dog to come back inside so he can lock the apartment and forget about this.

“Lemme take him for a walk. I’ll leave you alone,” Tyler promises, standing up from his crouched position. Josh bites his lip as he hides his junk from Tyler’s view.

Jim whines, putting on his cutest begging face. How can Josh say no to that?

Besides. Josh had just been complaining about not being able to walk him. Jim deserved his freedom even if Josh couldn’t have his.

“Okay,” he agrees, standing up straight. “You can walk him. Just be back within the hour, okay? And if he shits, pick it up. I hate people that leave their dog shit all over the place.”

“Absolutely. I’ll keep track of time.” For a second, Josh closes the door to retrieve Jim’s leash and some plastic grocery sacks for Tyler to pick up any poo in. Tyler smiles when he hands them over.

“Thanks,” he mutters.

“Sure,” Tyler nods. He should have left there and disappeared down the hall. Instead, he adds, “your dick is pretty nice looking, by the way.”

Josh didn’t realize he still had the ability to blush until Tyler came back into his life.

 

* * *

 

He puts clothes on between the time Tyler leaves and returns. Tyler hands him back Jim’s leash, still attached to the wild dog licking at Tyler’s heels. Josh thinks Jim might love that bastard more than him.

“Thanks for doing that,” Josh beckons Jim inside, who refuses. Josh wants to bash his head against the wall.

“Of course. I’d be happy to do it again sometime.” He clears his throat. “Does he have enough food?”

“He’s got enough for tonight, but I can have my mom pick some up in the morning.” Josh tries whistling again, causing Jim to whine in response. He lays down in the middle of the hallway, right across Tyler’s shoes, and becomes deadweight.

“Have you eaten?”

“No.”

“Either have I.” A small smile rises to his lips. “I could get grab some dog food and stop by Taco Bell if you’d like.”

Josh wants to tell him no. Josh wants to tell him to leave him alone. But for some reason, he says yes, because Jim has a stupid begging face and Josh thinks that maybe, he could keep some tacos down.

Tyler is trying to contain his excitement, but it’s oozing through his wide grin and large dimples. “Okay. Do you have a preference?”

“Soft.”

“Sure. And Jim’s food?”

“Chicken.” Jim barks. Since it isn’t his or his mother’s money, Josh says, “the fancy kind.”

“You got it,” Tyler promises to be back, pulling his feet out from underneath Jim’s torso to pad down the hall. It’s starting to rain, the drops echoing against the roof of the apartment building as Josh tries to yank his dog back inside.

“He’s coming back, you asshole!” Josh yells, tugging on more time. Jim obeys after that, sending Josh flailing onto his bottom and groaning obnoxiously.

“I hate you,” Josh tells Jim.

He’s pretty sure Jim smiles.

 

* * *

 

“So how do you know what good dicks look like?” Josh asks. He sits on the carpet with Tyler, both cross-legged, eating their tacos and burritos. Josh thinks this might be the first time he’s eaten an entire meal in over three weeks. Tyler seems to notice because he keeps pushing another taco Josh’s way after he finishes. He’s on his fourth one right now.

For the first while, they ate in silence. However, Josh was irritated, and dead, so he could say whatever he wanted.

“I could say it’s because of the locker rooms, but that’s not... exactly true.” He shrugs. “I’ve been with guys.”

Josh takes a sip of his water before he replies, watching Jim prance over to rest his chin on Tyler’s leg. He refrains from sighing. “Can’t say I’m surprised.”

“What?!”

He shrugs. “I dunno. You’ve got a look about you.” Another sip of water, “it’s okay, I mean. I’ve been with guys too.”

“Yeah.” Tyler purses his lips together and begins to pet Jim’s head. “He really likes me.”

“A lot more than I do.”

Tyler blushes. “I just think if you give me a chance, you’ll understand better. That’s all.”

“What exactly am I trying to understand?”

“That we have a lot more in common than you think.” He cocks an eyebrow, the rest of his face hidden behind his cup. Josh shakes his head.

“I just think there’s a lot about me you don’t know.”

“Sure there is. And there are things you don’t know about me. That’s why we, like, talk about them, or something.”

Josh snorts. “Right. Well, if you’re so eager to play the therapist, then I’ll talk to you.”

“Really?” His eyes light up.

“No.”

Tyler pouts. “I’ll get to you one day.”

“Don’t tell me you’re gonna come back here again.”

“I have to. Jim would go crazy without me.” He pats Jim’s head for extra emphasis and presses a kiss to his nose. In return, Jim licks his face, causing Tyler to giggle.

“You don’t seem that afraid of dogs.”

“No dog is like this one.”

Josh whispers, “yeah,” before balling up the wrappers of all his burritos and shoving them in the Taco Bell bag. He feels his stomach churn. Perhaps he couldn’t keep down those chalupas after all.

“Do you need to purge?”

“What?”

“I just... figured.” He looks away, his cheeks turning red in embarrassment. “Sorry. I forget not everyone feels the need to throw up after every meal like I do.”

“No, I’m just...” Josh blinks a couple of times. _I’m just dead._ “Do you... are you...?”

“I’m a recovering bulimic. Your mom said you hardly ate, and I just figured you had an ED too. Sorry.”

“Oh.” _I’m sorry_ is on the tip of his tongue, but if he hates apologizes and sympathy for his mental illness, he’s sure Tyler does too. After all, Tyler hardly has any body fat. Bringing that up won’t help. “What else did my mom say?”

“That you were sick. And not eating. That’s it.”

“She thinks I’m sick, but I’m not,” he argues. “I’m not _sick._ I’m... I’m just... not here, entirely.”

Tyler bites down on a cinnamon twist. “Whaddya mean?”

“I killed myself about a month ago. Now I’m stuck here.” Josh gestures to his shitty apartment. “I mean, at first I thought it was punishment for suicide, but now... I think I’m still on Earth because someone needed to take care of Jim.”

“Huh.” _Crunch._ Josh watches the way his cheeks puff out as he chews. “I’ve never been friends with a ghost before.”

“Not everyone can see me. My neighbors can’t.”

“Is that why you run around naked all the time?”

Josh rolls his eyes, but Tyler doesn’t expect him to answer because he continues. “Is that why you don’t eat?”

“Can’t really keep anything down,” is Josh’s reply.

“You ate a lot of tacos.”

“Missed them. Can’t exactly go out and get them.”

“Can I stay the night?”

“Sure.” It doesn’t process right away what Josh just said, but when it does, he doesn’t feel like he needs to revoke the invitation. _Crunch_ goes another cinnamon twist and Tyler’s eyes sparkle.

“Cool,” he says.

 

* * *

 

Josh wakes up the smell of pancakes. His stomach growls when he opens his eyes, the sheets twisted in between his legs and Jim tucked comfortably next to him. He cracks an eyelid open when the mattress shifts where Josh slides off.

“Morning, boy,” he yawns into the crook of his arm and groggily drags himself into the bathroom to pee. Josh’s eyes never leave his mess of a face.

He thinks it’s the first time he’s slept properly in months. Knowing he wasn’t by himself was a somewhat comforting thought. Maybe Tyler’s presence wasn’t so annoying after all.

After tousling his hair and redoing the bun, Josh pads into the kitchen, Jim hot on his heels. He starts to whine when he sees Tyler at the stovetop and immediately abandons Josh’s side.

“Hello there,” Tyler says in a baby voice, grinning ear to ear. He gives Jim a quick pet before returning to the spatula resting on the counter. He flips the pancake over before directing his attention to Josh, who is staring at him in surprise. First of all, Josh didn’t realize he had pancake mix or the ingredients to make pancakes in his household and two, didn’t realize Tyler could cook.

Not that this really counted as cooking, but it was still more effort than Josh put in.

“I found pancake mix in your pantry. It’s the ‘just add water’ kind, so I figured I’d make some breakfast for you.”

Josh clicks his tongue. “Didn’t make coffee, though.”

“I figured we could have that delivered to us with postmates. Americano for you?”

Josh’s face softens. “How’d you know?”

“That’s what you’d get at church.” Tyler’s nose is turning red and his eyes crinkle at the corners. “I promise I didn’t stalk you. I just remembered.”

“It’s okay.” Maybe Josh is starting to warm up to Tyler. After all, the boy is doing a helluva lot to make him feel comfortable in his own home. “What do you get?”

“I think... probably a white mocha. I’m not a big coffee drinker, so the more sugar, the better.” He pauses to slide the pancake onto the plate where all the others tower. “I know you struggle with eating, so, like, don’t feel like you have to eat them all.”

Josh slides into the stool at his counter. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Huh?” Tyler turns the burner off and sets the dirty bowl of remaining pancake mix into the sink. Josh sniffs.

“I mean... you didn’t have to come back. I wouldn’t have if I were you. I was kind of an asshole.”

“You’re dead,” Tyler points out, “I’d be an asshole too.”

Silence. Josh musters up enough courage to sneak a glance at Tyler’s warm, brown eyes. “You don’t actually think I’m dead, do you?”

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

“Then so do I.”

Jim barks, showing both boys that he’s dragged his bowl into the kitchen to prove just how hungry he is. Josh stands up and grabs the dog food off the table. Tyler watches, his arms crossed, his hair tousled, and his head tilted slightly. He looks kinda cute, actually.

With a grunt, Josh heaves the heavy bag onto his shoulder and pours dog food everywhere but the bowl. Tiny pieces scatter across the floor, causing Jim to dart around to slurp up every piece he can get into his mouth. Tyler starts laughing.

“Doesn’t matter,” Josh shrugs, setting the bag down with a _thud._ He sits back down at the counter and Tyler hands him a pancake.

“You don’t have syrup or butter, though.”

“It’s fine.” He tears a piece off with his hands, letting the steam burn his skin. It’s the most feeling he’s had in a while. Tyler continues to study him like a science fair project until Josh has eaten the entire pancake.

“You never answered my question,” Josh says after he’s swallowed. Tyler licks his lips.

“I came back because I felt like I needed to.”

“So you can fix me?”

Tyler shakes his head. “No. So you can fix _me.”_

Slowly, Josh lets the words process in that thick skull of his and nods his head. Tyler doesn’t say anymore.

He doesn’t need to.

 

* * *

 

“Hand over another pancake,” Josh demands.

“Sure,” Tyler replies, throwing it at his face.

Josh hides his smile in his sleeve.

 

* * *

 

Tyler is there all day.

He asks when Josh showered last.

“Are you saying I smell bad?”

“Not _bad,_ per se, but not great.” Tyler kicks his feet up onto the couch, letting them drape over Josh’s. Once upon a time that would have bothered him, but Tyler is warm and strangely inviting. “I’d say like a middle school boy.”

He shrugs. “I’m not sure. I’m kind of scared.”

“To shower?”

“To be in any amount of water for a long time. What if my skin falls off?”

“Then we sew it back on,” suggests Tyler, only half joking. Josh wonders if Tyler has seen the needles and thread sitting on his bedside table.

“Funny you say that,” he mumbles.

“Have you done that? Sewed your skin back on?”

“Not back on. Just... y’know. Just in case.”

“Sure,” he nods. “I get that.” Tyler fiddles with the hem of his hoodie. He’s in the same clothes from the previous day.

“Do you want to go home and change?”

“No,” Tyler is quiet, “I don’t want to leave. Is that okay?”

“That’s okay,” Josh replies.

 

* * *

 

Tyler takes Jim on another walk and feeds him. He’s a lot better at making sure the food lands inside the bowl.

Josh lays on his back, staring at the ceiling, his arms and legs sprawled out like he’s making a snow angel. He’s thinking about Tyler in the kitchen with his dog and smiles at the giggles he can hear. A week ago, Josh would have never let a stranger into his household. Even though Tyler wasn’t exactly a stranger, he wasn’t more than an acquaintance either. He’s trying to remember how things got to this point. It started with Jim because that dumb dog couldn’t let Tyler just _leave._ Did Jim know, somehow, that Tyler’s presence would help him?

Was it helping him?

Tyler had been here only two days and Josh was already doing things he hadn’t done in some time. What did that mean? What did any of this mean?

He lifts his head when Tyler comes into the living room, Jim trailing behind him. He sits on the couch and lets Jim lounge in his lap so he can give him scratches behind the ears. Jim seems to be lost somewhere on cloud nine, his tail wagging quickly.

“What’d you do before?” Tyler asks, prompting Josh’s face to twist in confusion.

“Huh?”

“Before you died, I mean.” Jim’s tongue flops out of his mouth. “For a living.”

“Oh.” Josh continues to stare at the ceiling. It’s a popcorn ceiling, with all those little bumps giving it texture. He wonders what it would be like to scrape them all off. “I played the drums in a band.”

“Were you good?”

He chuckles halfheartedly. “Yeah. We were good. But they...” Josh takes a breath. “They got into the rockstar life too religiously, drinking until they were drunk, doing party drugs, having sex. And I got involved because I didn’t want to seem like a loser or be the odd one out. It wasn’t good for me, that’s for sure. That kind of stuff isn’t the best for someone who suffers from extreme anxiety and depression.”

Tyler scoffs. “Yeah, I wouldn’t think so.”

Josh pauses so both of them can have some time to adjust to the tenseness in the air. He sits up and leans back on his hands. “What about you?”

“I went to school, got my bachelors degree in music theory, and then turned to songwriting. I sold some of them. Actually published one of my own songs under a pseudonym.”

Josh raises an eyebrow. “Which was?”

“Nicolas Bourbaki.” His face turns red again, especially the tip of his nose. Josh finds it really, really cute.

“No way. That’s you?” The mystery of who exactly Nicolas Bourbaki was part of the reason his one song on the radio went so viral. No one had seen his face or heard him speak. He refused to go on tour, turned down live performances, has no albums or EPs, and had disappeared off the face of the planet. People often claimed they had met the infamous “Bourbaki” and the media never stopped talking about him even though he was nowhere to be found.

“It was me, yeah. But the attention ... it scared me away. That’s not who I wanted to be.”

“The attention?”

“Didn’t like who I’d become.”

“But you got money?”

“Some, sure.” He shrugs. “Royalties and shit. Helped my parents pay their mortgage.”

“And the rest?”

“Well, I bought dog food and Taco Bell last night.” He smirks. “I’ve almost been here twenty-four hours, y’know. That’s a long time to spend in someone’s apartment.”

“I said you could leave.”

“Would I be allowed back in?”

“Perhaps,” Josh whispers. He’s smiling too.

“I used to weigh ninety-eight pounds. I was so skinny and so weak my bones would probably break if someone touched me. That’s why Nick went MIA. I went to a mental facility.” Tyler stares off into the distance, but that smile is still on his face. “I thought I was gonna die. I wanted to die.”

“And you’re okay now?”

He rolls his shoulders. “I have my moments.”

“Yeah,” Josh agrees. He has his moments too. Like right now, watching Tyler pet his dog, he’s feeling a strange sensation of peace. He feels like he could do anything he wanted to without consequences. How could someone make him feel this way? He couldn’t even make himself feel this way.

Josh is afraid he might start to pull away. That’s usually what happens when he finds himself in situations where he vegans to become too comfortable. It shouldn’t happen but it does.

It always does.

“Have you ever smoked weed?”

“No.”

“Do you wanna?”

Josh looks over at him. “Do you have some?”

“I got stuff in my car. I mostly use it for anxiety purposes. It helps a lot. For me, at least. But I don’t know if that’ll affect your whole thing with drugs.”

“I think I’ll be okay,” Josh promises, pushing himself off the carpet. There are imprints on his palms and the back of his neck.

Tyler leaves the apartment and returns in five minutes with an Altoids tin. Inside are four poorly rolled joints.

“Lighter?”

“In my kitchen.” Josh can hear him rummaging around. Jim is asleep on the couch when he glances at his dog. He looks back at the Altoids tin. He wouldn’t think Tyler would be a stoner.

“Here.” Tyler plays with the lighter, striking it with his thumb over and over again as he sits down cross-legged across from Josh. Josh watches him light the joint and take a drag. His stomach stirs. The smoke pouring from Tyler’s lips and the smell of skunk is strangely attractive.

“You’ll want to breathe in, but don’t inhale, or you’ll start coughing. Which is okay. I fucked up badly my first time around so I wouldn’t make fun of you if it happened. Just breathe out afterward.”

“Sure.” He repeats Tyler’s instructions as he plucks the joint in between his thumb and forefinger to take a drag. The smoke burns, but he manages not to cough. Josh used to smoke cigarettes all the time. Fortunately, he has gotten over that habit, but that had also been the reason he turned toward harder drugs. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how fucked up his life is.

“Good!” Tyler gives him a pity clap. Josh pushes his foot into Tyler’s thigh.

An hour goes by as they pass the joint back and forth, back and forth. Josh feels himself beginning to relax. He’s floating out of his body, toward the ceiling, _up up up up up._

“Not twenty-four hours,” Josh says.

“Huh?” Tyler says back. He’s pretty high too.

“Because you slept. And I slept. So not twenty-four hours. We’d have to stay up all night.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Josh blinks slowly.

“Shower with me,” he asks. He shouldn’t ask that, but he does. “You’ve seen my penis. It shouldn’t matter.”

“Isn’t that gay?”

“Aren’t you gay?”

Tyler sticks his tongue out. “Aren’t _you_ gay?” His rebuttal is terrible but Josh laughs anyway.

“Doesn’t have to be gay,” he continues after he’s collected himself, “can be two dudes showering together.”

“What if your skin slides down the drain?”

“Then you sew it back on for me.”

“Okay,” Tyler says. His eyes are red.

“Okay,” Josh says back. His eyes are red too.

Suddenly, he’s naked. He doesn’t remember how, but there is warm water running down his back and he’s laughing hysterically. Josh hadn’t showered in so damn long. He had forgotten what the feeling of water felt like when it rained down from above.

Tyler squirts shampoo into Josh’s hands before doing the same into his own. They keep giggling, their shoulders and knees and other long limbs bumping into each other inside the small space they have. There isn’t anything sexual about it, really. It might be because they’re both high and sad, or it could be that Josh is finally _living_ again.

Then Tyler offers to cut Josh’s hair. The scissors _snip snip snip_ around Josh’s shoulders and neck, the hair falling into his lap. It’s already starting to curl where it’s drying.

“Itchy,” he whines. Tyler’s throat clicks.

“Sorry.” _Snip snip snip._ Tyler sets the scissors on the countertop. “Done.”

He can’t pull it up anymore, but it’s definitely still long. Josh likes it.

“I like it.”

“You look nice.”

“I’m hungry.”

“I’ll order takeout.” Tyler helps Josh stand up and tries to dust the hair off his bare chest. When Josh starts giggling again, Tyler can’t help but laugh too. He lets his head flop on Josh’s shoulder and breathes in the scent of Josh’s body wash. Tyler is wearing it too, and it’s strong in Josh’s nose.

Cedarwood. Pine. Wood chips.

He smells like the outdoors.

Tyler looks up at him, blinking those brown eyes of his that look like pools of honey. Their faces are close, so close that if Josh leans forward-- which he does-- their noses bump together, prompting more giggles.

“I forgot why I was upset,” whispers Josh. Tyler softly presses his lips against Josh’s and pulls away, his cheeks matching his veiny red eyes. Josh’s breath hitches.

“No?” Tyler bites his lip in anticipation for the reply.

“No,” he shakes his head, “no, yes. Yes. _Yes.”_ Josh leans back in, grabbing Tyler’s head with both hands so he’s unable to stir or move underneath his grip. Tyler’s lips taste like weed and cherry chapstick.

Josh loves it.

He kisses Tyler until he can’t breathe and his face is turning purple. The room spins. He feels like he might vomit.

“Yeah?” Tyler asks, his brow furrowed, his eyes kind. He’s unlatched himself from Josh’s hands and is now rubbing them with his thumb.

“I feel alive,” Josh tells him. “I feel alive.”

“Maybe you can be again,” offers Tyler.

Josh thinks he might take Tyler up that offer.

 

* * *

 

Someone is vomiting when Josh wakes up the next morning. It takes him a second to figure out who it is, but when it clicks, he’s flying out of bed, kicking off the covers and stumbling over dirty clothes to get to the tiled floor. Tyler curls against the bathroom wall and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. Josh crouches down.

“Did you... did you just relapse?”

“No.” He sniffs. It looks like he’s been crying. “It’s not that. I promise. I just... panicked.”

“Panicked?” Josh slides down so he’s sitting cross-legged on the bathroom floor. He reaches out to pat Tyler’s knee. His touch lingers on Tyler’s skin and hopes it’s okay.

“I’ve been trying to play it cool, but I’m scared.”

“I’m scared too,” Josh admits, scooting closer so his knees bump against Tyler’s.  “Of a lot of things. I mean, I’m... I’m dead. Everything I could have done, I can’t anymore. But these past few days... I dunno. And last night? Made me feel something I haven’t felt in years.”

Tyler chuckles. “Yeah. It was nice, kissing you.”

“Is that what you’re scared of?”

“You don’t think we’re moving too fast?”

“We’ve only kissed. I think we’re taking things slow.”

He pauses. “And you think this is something we could do? You and I?”

Josh lets his eyes roll up to the ceiling. “I think it’s something I might have interest in.”

A smile. “You don’t hate me?”

“I never did. I’ve just been angry.”

“And rightfully so.”

“But I’m trying. I mean, I showered last night. And you cut my hair. Two things I haven’t done in... god, I don’t even remember.”

“Maybe that’s because we were high.”

“But I think... I can do it again. Try and start living. You being here has really helped me.”

“It’s helped me too, even if I panicked and vomited.”

“You can use my toothbrush if you’d like.” Josh grins. “I don’t mind sharing.”

“Should we kiss again? Now that we’re both sober?”

“Are you gonna brush your teeth?”

He sticks out his tongue. “I guess if it’s that important to you.”

“Food isn’t as good on the way out.” Josh gives Tyler a small shoulder pat before standing up and offering his hand. Tyler graciously accepts, his other palm bracing the wall when his legs wobble.

“You can go home if you aren’t feeling well.”

“I don’t want to leave,” he says, his voice a soft whisper. Josh notices that Tyler has on one of his t-shirts. That must have happened after they showered last night. There were a few holes and gaps in his memory.

“You don’t have to.” Josh grabs his toothbrush and slides it across the counter. After a weak smile, Tyler takes it from him and squirts a pea sized drop on the bristles.

“I think I might have some pizza rolls in the freezer. If you’re hungry.”

The toothbrush pokes the inside of his cheek. “Dude, it’s like nine in the morning.”

“So?”

He shrugs. “Does it matter?”

“I suppose not.”

As soon as Tyler sets the toothbrush to the side, Josh is scooping him in his arms, pulling him against his chest and leaning forward so their noses brush. Tyler chuckles a little.

“Is this okay?”

“Yes, of course.” His eyelids flutter, like he’s lost in a dream state, needing Josh to pull him back down. Slowly, Josh inches his way in until the gap is closed, feeling the pulse of Tyler’s lips against his. His breath is minty fresh and fills Josh’s entire body with chills. He loves this. He loves this so _fucking much._

By the time they’ve finished, Josh is lightheaded. He grips the countertop until his knuckles turn white and lets Tyler stroke his arm.

“Okay?”

“Okay,” Josh promises. He raises Tyler’s hand to his lips and kisses his knuckles.

“Don’t go,” he says.

“Okay,” Tyler says back.

 

* * *

 

While the pizza rolls are in the oven, there comes a pounding on the front door and the familiar “Joshua, let me in!” from his mother. Tyler, who’s sipping on some chocolate milk, raises his eyebrows and kicks his feet back and forth under the counter.

“I’ll be fast,” he promises, already striding over to answer. Jim hangs back, peeking from the kitchen, his chin on his front paws.

He stops his mom from coming inside when he opens the door, but instead of being lectured, her face softens.

“You cut your hair,” her voice comes out in an exasperated whisper. Josh doesn’t remember the last time he heard his mother’s voice this soft.

“I showered too,” he can feel himself blushing but continues to face his mother and her watery eyes. She hands him a plastic bag. Inside are a plethora of snacks and frozen goods, including more pizza rolls and chocolate milk.

“I came over to check up on you since I hadn’t heard anything in a while, but it seems someone took the liberty of checking up on you already.” She smiles proudly. “When Tyler came to me and said he needed you to help him, I thought he was crazy. But it seems like he helped you in the process.”

“He’s been here for over forty-eight hours, Ma. And he’s not leaving anytime soon. I don’t know what it is, but with him here, I feel like, like, I’m _alive.”_

She bites back a sob. It’s a happy sob, albeit a sob. “I’ve waited so long to hear you say that.”

“Is his family worried?”

“They wanted me to check on him, too. Everything going okay?”

“Yes,” Josh laughs for no reason at all, except that it feels good. “It really is.”

“Why did you let him in?”

Josh looks behind him, looks at Jim watching him with those big brown eyes of his. He can see the back of Tyler’s head and warmth spreads throughout his tummy.

There’s a lot of reasons Josh let Tyler inside, but he can only think of one at the moment. “Jim loved him,” Josh is honest, “and I trust that dog with my life.”

His mother hugs him and kisses his forehead. Then, just like that, she’s gone, leaving the two boys to reconnect. Before Tyler can ask how it went, Josh sweeps him up in a kiss that literally takes the younger boy’s breath away. After a hiccup, Tyler laughs right in Josh’s mouth and pulls on the hem of his shirt.

“I think we’ll be okay,” Tyler is collected, calm, and cool. There’s a fresh pimple on his cheek that Josh loves.

The oven beeps and Josh kisses Tyler again.

 

* * *

 

“You know that moment where you think to yourself, ‘I’ve hit rock bottom. This is it. How do I go on from here?’” Tyler bites down into a pizza roll and sauce rolls down his chin. Josh stares avidly as Tyler swipes his tongue over the mess. “For me, that’s when I decided that it wasn’t worth living anymore.”

“I understand that. I think that’s how I got to that point too. Maybe that’s how everyone gets to that point. But I don’t think you realize you hit rock bottom until you literally cannot go any lower.”

“Exactly.” He wipes at his mouth, picks at his pimples, “Looking back on it, it seems so silly to just wanna... give up again.”

Josh looks up at him through his dark eyelashes. He runs a finger over his eyebrows and scoots closer so Tyler can touch him softly. Tyler smells so good. It puts Josh in a state of euphoria.

“I thought because I gave up that it meant everything was over. Since you’ve been here, I’ve been able to think about what you say. I mean, I don’t think you know the power of your words. They mean a lot to a depressed bastard like me.”

Tyler nuzzles his head against Josh’s shoulder. “So you wanna try living again?”

“I know I wanna try living with you here.” Slowly, cautiously, Josh tilts his chin downward to find Tyler’s mouth. When he feels them, Tyler presses his tongue firmly in between Josh’s lips, nonverbally asking for permission to deepen it, make it more passionate. His fingers clutch Josh’s thigh.

“Are you scared?” Asks Josh, his breaths heavy against Tyler’s neck. Tyler shakes his head.

“I’m not. I’m not scared.”

“I’m not scared either. I want all of you. I want to be _with_ you.”

His lips tickle Josh’s neck as he smiles. “Then what are you waiting for?”

A burst of adrenaline allows Josh to hoist Tyler into his arms, who giggles as he wraps his legs around Josh’s waist. They return to their kiss, still laughing, still grinning, as the world slowly begins to turn again. It was funny how just some quality time with someone could make you realize that you weren’t the only one going through shit, that it was possible to adapt and change and progress.

And that is what Josh is thinking about as he stumbles into his messy bedroom, his shins bumping against the bed frame. Tyler pulls back, causing him and Josh to tumble onto the creaking mattress. Tyler scoots up the bed, propping himself up on the pillows and tossing a pair of dirty underwear onto the floor. He opens his legs invitingly and bites his lip, causing Josh to chuckle as he bounces in between to situate himself between Tyler’s thighs.

Tyler pulls on his arm to yank him back against his lips, to feel the softness of his face. Josh’s knees dip into the bedsheets as he cradles Tyler’s cheeks with his hands and kisses him desperately.

Tyler’s hands brace Josh’s shoulders, massaging the stiff muscles as slender fingers make their way down his arms. He gives him a pleading look, a silent question of consent, before taking Josh’s shirt off. Tyler’s own comes off next, and they join the rest of the filth on the bedroom floor. Josh thinks he might actually have the energy to clean up after this. He’s in ecstasy, on cloud nine, lost in the fog of being able to _live again._

Josh kisses Tyler’s neck all over, up and down, left and right, pausing to suck a hickey. With a cute, high pitched squeal, Tyler digs his nails into Josh’s bare hips and tilts his head to the side.

Next, he kisses Tyler’s collarbone. And then the small, rectangular boxes tattooed into his soft skin. Josh is hiking, and Tyler’s chest is his trail; he finds it impossible to tear himself away from all the small details etched into the surface. He needs to push himself out to get more room and begins to kiss all of Tyler’s dips and curves, his stretch marks, and moles, his acne and freckles. Josh pushes down on the elastic of his boxers and the seams of his jeans to kiss the lines of his pelvic bone.

“You’re beautiful,” he mumbles, sucking on the skin underneath his belly button. Tyler is toying with his sensitive nipples, his teeth wound up tight over his bottom lip.

“You’re beautiful,” Tyler retaliates. He nudges Josh with his foot to give him space while he adjusts in bed, removing his jeans and kicking them off where they tangle inside out around his ankles. Giggling, Josh helps pull them off before he shimmies out of his sweatpants, leaving them both in just their boxers.

He’s thinking about how the last time he did anything... _sexual_ with anyone was while he was on tour with all his rockstar friends. The sex had been mindless and numb and tiring. Josh had fingers in places he didn’t want fingers, had dicks and clits in his mouth that meant nothing to him.

But Tyler? Tyler is different.

Because Tyler cares about him. Tyler listens to him. Tyler _believes_ him.

Josh settles down so his clothed cock brushes over Tyler’s every time they rut against each other. Soft gasps come from both boys as Josh situates his hands on Tyler’s hips. Chest to chest, each other’s sweat on each other’s skin, they return to the kiss that started it all.

“Is it okay?” He’s so sweet, God dammit. Tyler is so _sweet._  “If I see you naked? I know we showered together, but like, this is different, y’know?”

Josh nods, sniffs, “it’s okay. Promise.”

“Pinkie promise or it doesn’t count.” Tyler sticks his awkwardly long pinkie out so Josh can entangle it around his own.

He is eager, and his patience is wearing thin, but Josh understands. He’s just used to hiding behind a mask. With Tyler, he doesn’t need to do that.

Josh allows the younger boy to take his underwear off, exposing his half hard dick to flop up onto his stomach. With a smirk and rosy red cheeks, Tyler takes off his own. It isn’t as big, or as thick, but it’s equally as swollen and red, only furthering Josh’s arousal.

They trade places so Josh is flat on his back, allowing Tyler’s hands to touch him all over. As Tyler rolls his hips, Josh bucks his own upward, moaning under his breath as their dicks rub together with all that wonderful skin-on-skin contact. He forgot what it was like to be in this place, to care so much about someone that you would kill for them.

He thinks back to when they were kids. Josh would watch Tyler play basketball from his bedroom window. He always was jealous of Tyler. Tyler was a good looking guy; skinny, tall, fit, athletic. He dated a lot of girls and had a way with words.

Josh was shy and introverted. He hated public speaking, hated getting to know people, hated being vulnerable out in the open world. Now that they were reunited, Josh was beginning to think that maybe the universe had played a hand in the cards dealt here in Josh’s life. Sure, one life had ended--

But another was beginning.

“Where do you want me, love?” Tyler grunts, his forehead glowing with sweat. Josh pulls him back down to feel his lips against his. They are perfect and he, _fuck,_ he tastes so _good._

“Faster,” he demands as politely as possible, tangling his hands in Tyler’s hair. Hands on his waist, Tyler continues the humping, their cocks rubbing against each other with so much solidarity that it makes them want to keep going on forever and ever and ever. His hands run up and down Josh’s torso, his mouth and tongue and teeth fulfilling all of Josh’s needs. He’s so hard. Josh forgot what this was like.

His tongue is like jelly in his mouth when he comes all over Tyler’s hands and his stomach. His thighs clench, his groin tingles, and his eyelids flutter. Honestly, Josh is not surprised they didn’t need penetration to orgasm. Both of them hadn’t exactly done this in a while.

Tyler comes soon after, his teeth biting down on Josh’s shoulder to stabilize himself as he works his way through his climax. When he’s done, he flops down and places a giant, wet kiss on Josh’s forehead.

“Thank you,” he whispers, squeezing Josh’s hand.

“No, thank you.” Josh means it.

Tyler lays his head on Josh’s shoulder and smiles at the ceiling. Josh thinks he’s the cutest boy in the entire galaxy.

 

* * *

 

Tyler offers to take Jim for another walk later that evening. Josh is half-naked, wearing only his boxers, his feet kicked up onto the sofa with his hands in his lap. They are approaching almost sixty hours of being together and it feels right.

“You could come with us if you want.” Tyler smiles. He’s bent down, scratching Jim behind the ears, who seems to be enjoying it very much.

Josh glances over with worried eyes. “I can’t... I can’t leave.”

“Maybe you could, if you were attached to someone else. Maybe if you just... like, keep walking, you can break out of the bonds.”

He thinks about it. “Maybe.”

“At least... step out into the hallway with me?”

Josh can do that. He pulls himself off the couch and takes Tyler’s offered hand at the door and closes his eyes when they step outside. He can feel the pull in his stomach. Anxiety is building up, up, up, like a rocket about to blow off into space.

Jim pads around Josh’s ankles and licks his shins. His dog is trying to calm him down and let him know that it’s okay to take things slow. Jim was always there for him.

Slowly, he sinks to his knees and hugs his dog tightly, burying his face in Jim’s fur. Laughter is building in his throat.

“Hey.” Tyler’s voice snaps him out of his sensitive psyche and back into the real world. Josh can feel his eyes watering as Tyler reaches for him.

“I can feel it,” he croaks, “I can feel the bonds.”

“You’re doing so good,” Tyler strokes his hair, the back of his neck, his shoulders, “already. I’m so proud of you.”

“I don’t know what I would do if you weren't here. I don’t know _what_ I did before you were here.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He begins to pepper Josh’s face with soft, butterfly light kisses. Josh can feel his entire body breaking down slowly, like a penny in Coke, just waiting for everything to fall apart.

But the thing is, he’s done falling apart, because Tyler is here watching over him like a guardian angel.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

* * *

 

He sleeps well that night. It’s the first time he’s gotten enough sleep in months.

Tyler sleeps with his head laying on the dip in Josh’s sternum, with Jim curled up in between them. They feel like a family.

Tyler had said he needed help and that’s why he came to visit, but the thing is, his presence had helped Josh as well. They were good for each other, truly.

Josh had never believed in soulmates, but sixty hours later, he was beginning to think that Tyler was his.

The first thing Tyler says when he wakes up is “should we eat tacos for breakfast?”

Josh laughs. And laughs. And laughs. And then Tyler is laughing too.

It feels _great._

“I wanna try going outside again. Want to feel the sun on my skin.”

“Yeah?” Tyler kisses his sternum, his nipples, the freckles on his shoulders. “I think you can do it.”

“And I want to go back to therapy. I think that would really... help.”

“I’ll go with you if you want.” A kiss to the top of his head, to the tip of his nose. “I could use it too.”

“I just... I don’t want you to leave.”

Tyler sits up. The smile on his face stretches from ear to ear. “Then I don’t leave.”

“No?”

He shakes his head. “No.”

So that’s that. Josh makes the most important decision of his life right then and there.

He’s going to start living again.

**Author's Note:**

> pahcheetah on tumblr <3
> 
> (and yes, Ross is Josh's therapist dljfljfsdjfsd)


End file.
